When my second child was about to come into the world, I thought I knew what was ahead of me. After all, I already had a two-year-old son, so I was able to imagine what childbirth or the first months with the baby would be like…
The closer I got to the due date, the more I thought about how to divide my time and attention between these two little beings.
To be honest, it didn’t seem particularly challenging to me – after all, the newborn basically just eats and sleeps, and my older son was already big enough that taking care of him didn’t cause me too many difficulties.
So I was stuck in blissful oblivion until the day SHE came into the world… My dreamed, long-awaited daughter…
The labor went very smoothly and before I knew it, I was holding my little girl in my arms.
I didn’t know it then that for the next few months, this precious baby would need THAT MUCH cuddling… That she would hardly ever leave my arms and would turn my so far predictably functioning world completely upside down.
At the time, I didn’t pay too much attention to this, but when I look back now, I realize that the very same day she decided to come out of my belly, she gave me the first signals that… she wouldn’t be as easy to deal with as her brother. 😉
She needed an exceptional amount of closeness and… suckling, so while other moms were putting their sleeping babies down in hospital cribs, my Lili was still attached to my breast, showing strong objections every time I tried to put her down.
A few days old Lili.AT THAT TIME, I STILL HOPED THAT IT WOULD PASS…
But it didn’t.
What’s more, my husband’s several-day parental leave ended quickly, and since the fifth day after giving birth, I had been alone with the children for days on end…
It was very hard. While physically I felt really good, the sleepless nights and the fact that Lili was in some kind of contact with my body almost 24/7 made me feel incredibly overwhelmed.
If it wasn’t for the fact that I already had my older son, whom I was raising in exactly the same way, I probably would have felt guilty… Like it somehow was my fault...
Health-wise, there was nothing in Lili’s case that the doctor or I were concerned about, so at first I blamed it on the Missing Fourth Trimester. I was counting down the days until it would finally be over.
The issue was: the missing fourth trimester was gone and my baby’s behavior remained almost the same.
And that was probably the most difficult moment for me. The light in the tunnel I had been desperately clinging to disappeared and I came face to face with the unknown.
At that time, I had no idea who high need babies (and, as it later turned out, also highly sensitive individuals) were or if things would ever go back to normal.
But there was no way back. I had to face it whether I liked it or not.
Lili was able to function really well, but her comfort zone was incredibly narrow. She was a very cheerful baby, but whenever something happened that knocked her out of that safe space, she would very loudly inform our whole neighborhood about it.😉
It was impossible to plan anything. One day her nap lasted 15 minutes, and another she slept for more than an hour at a completely unpredictable time. Cooking a meal would often take me all day because I was trying to squeeze in at least a little more time for my older child as well.
WHAT WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING FOR ME?
I guess lonely motherhood and feeling misunderstood.
Of course, I had my husband and my close family, but there was a time in our lives when my husband worked a lot. Every day, he would leave early in the morning and return home when the children were already asleep. He was able to only give us his weekends…
He wasn’t okay with it either, but that’s the kind of life we had for a while, and it was hard to change anything because supporting the family rested solely on his shoulders.
I had no support in my family. My parents and in-laws lived quite far away from us and they saw their grandchildren maybe once a month. When they would visit, Lili was so low-maintenance that it was hard for them to imagine that things were not so perfect on a daily basis. You know, I was probably exaggerating…
DID I FEEL JUDGED?
I guess so. And yes, as I’ve mentioned earlier, probably if it wasn’t for the fact that Lili wasn’t my first child, it would have been easy for me to fall into the guilt spiral.
In the end, we survived it.
WAS IT EASY?
Of course not! But a lot of good things came out of this experience, which I think will pay off in the future!
Thanks to this situation, I learned a lot about myself, my limits and about the fact that… I am also a highly sensitive person.
What did I learn?
- First of all, that there are no ready-made solutions – some “golden advice” that will work perfectly for everyone. Having a high need baby at home, you need to be very flexible. Get all your plans out of your head and focus on watching your child and trying to adjust to their current needs. This is not spoiling. It’s trying to survive in as much comfort as possible.
- Thanks to my highly sensitive daughter, I learned to seize the moment. I didn’t know what a particular day would bring (with my son, everything was more predictable), and as a result, I accepted things for what they were. I didn’t plan too much and learned to enjoy the little things.
- I learned that I also have my limits, and that it is impossible to function only on consciously controlling my outbursts. It never ends well…
- I learned that it is essential to take care of your own needs. Taking care of them is not being selfish. It’s something that, in the long run, will be important for well-being of the whole family.
That’s why, I didn’t hesitate to sometimes give myself a home spa treatment, or a moment just for myself with my headphones, or a short walk when my husband or parents were taking care of the kids.
I also learned to accept help. After a while, even a jar of meatballs from my mother-in-law, which we got from time to time, became really appreciated.
- I also tried not to worry about the future so much. I noticed that it was very overwhelming for me when I thought about taking care of Lili in the long term. So instead of envisioning our situation in a month or a year, I only thought about a given day. To get through to the evening… To face this challenge here and now.
- Thanks to Lili, I began to pay even more attention to words I use and how I use them. Saying “it’s nothing” while her knees were dripping with blood after she had fallen wasn’t an option… I also noticed that there is a huge difference between saying “I’m angry” and “I feel anger”. This brings benefits to this day.
- Lili made me realize how many things around us can be potential stressors. Thanks to her, I learned that not satisfying your thirst or hunger, or not taking care of your physiological needs on time, can wreck your day…
- I learned that the saying “happy mom, happy baby” is not just an empty slogan and that there is something to it. Limbic resonance is for real.
- I realized that it’s never too late to start over. So when I would feel like I had failed, I didn’t dwell on it – I just tried again.
- I stopped being afraid to ask for help and learned to name the feelings I was currently experiencing.
In a word, my high need daughter helped me realize that “weakness” can be turned into an asset.
Of course, it was extremely difficult for me to see this at the time, but in hindsight, I can see it clearly.
What I experienced is also now a huge help for me in working with my little patients and their parents. I never question that it might be difficult for them. Even if I see a smiling eight-month-old crawling on all fours around my office or a resolute two-year-old running around, I can imagine that their reality at home can look quite different.
Lili, a few years later.HOW IS IT NOW? HAS LILI GROWN OUT OF IT?
No, no one really grows out of being a high need child, but… lots of things have changed, and we have learned to live with it, and we are very good at it as well!
Today, Lili is an incredibly empathetic little girl… A great help and support… Thanks to her sensitivity, she sees things that, for example, her older brother completely misses. She is sensitive to the injustice and other people’s feelings. She can see the beauty in small things and empathize with what others may be experiencing. She is still a great mystery, but conversations with her are extremely inspiring and thought-provoking.
We love to spend time with each other… Highly sensitive mom and her daughter – Best Friends Forever!!! 🙂
The content herein is for informational purposes only and will not replace a visit to a physiotherapist or other specialist. If in doubt, please consult with a professional who can examine your baby in person. For the sake of your baby, I do not provide online advice.
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